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Items on my wedding registry

After all those years of wedding seasons, of always being a bridesmaid, never a bride, I am happy to announce that I'm finally marrying Lukas, an ancient, mischievous spirit trapped inside a porcelain doll. The wedding is being paid for by the large sum I inherited from my aunt Irma on the condition that I spend a night in her haunted house (it's where Lukas and I met!).

Here's our registry:

• A cheap accessory everyone compliments and an expensive accessory no one has ever noticed
• A nutrient enhanced water beverage
• $99 cowboy boots from Boot City
• An antique chapbook of songs about killing Barney
• A whole new pronunciation of "Appalachian" that you've never heard before
• A bookstore rack labeled "former bestsellers"
• A gift certificate from The Gazebo Depot
• Cheesy Gordita Crunch
• "Business crystals"